The Eastern Illinois Game Inside My Head

Editor's note:  When reading this post, try to think of it in that deep, echoing voice that you hear in the movies when people's thoughts are being said out loud.


Oh yes, this is awesome, football is finally back.
Oh, look, we're receiving the opening kick.  Isn't this like 90 out of 92 games or something?

LOL...Bob Spoo.
Nice, offense looks crisp.
Who is that?  Oh yeah, Brad Herman.
TOUCHDOWN, IOWA!! A-Rob, bitches!!
That's not Daniel Murray, Mr. Play-by-Play Man. It's Trent Mossbrucker.
Trent Mussberger...Brent Mossbrucker.
YOU CHEAP SHOTTING S.O.B'S....a chop block on Clayborn.  This will not end well for you.
LOL...Bob Spoo.
Michigan transfer Jimmy Potempa?? 
Told you, Clayborn just killed your protector.
Wow, EIU's punter is good at least.
Careful Sandeman...don't get knocked out.
Offense still looks sharp.
Keenan Davis...NICE!! I hope he has a big year.
Ricky is rolling...Rick Rolling....LOL.
TOUCHDOWN, IOWA!!  A-Rob again, bitches!!
Seriously, it's not Daniel Murray you idiots.
LOL...Bob Spoo.
Heeey, first down EIU. Dammit.
Timeout? You're not converting this 3rd down.
Told you so.
Get a good return here.
BLOCKED!! 
PAKI-BOMB!!!
TOUCHDOWN, IOWA!!!
You gotta like that kid...he works hard, always smiling...GODDAMMIT!! That is NOT DANIEL MURRAY.
Well, EIU, I hope you gots paid well for this ass pounding.
Another three and out...block another one Paki??
What the shit?  Fake punt.  Good call by Coach Bob Spoo.
LOL Bob Spoo.
Wow, #29 got trucked by that dude.  I wonder who #29 is?? Jermelle Lewis?  Too bad he got hurt, he was.....WHAT THE SHIT?? Can't believe EIU scored on our 1st string defense.  The games not over just yet, fellas.
Alright, offense, get those points back.
OH, SHIT!
NOOOOO!!
GODDAMMIT!!!
Why, God?  Why do you hate Iowa so much. We feed the frickin' world and this is how you repay us? 
Oh, my phone's ringing.
Yeah, Dad, I saw it.  I know, he pointed at his knee.  I don't see how you could blow out your knee when you fall straight down, but...yeah, it sucks.  See ya.
Well, JVB, let's see what you got this year.
Safe pass after safe pass...we sure are playing it close to the vest.
A-Rob's looking tough....
HOLY SHIT CARRY THE WHOLE TEAM....
TOUCHDOWN, IOWA!!  3 for A-Rob!!!
Christ, Bob Spoo, stop with the Jimmy Potempa running already.
LOL...Bob Spoo.
SACK, BITCHES!! MIKE DANIELS!!
Oooohhh good...Ricky is back in.  I take it back, God.  We all know you love Iowa.  We feed the world, after all.
Ouch, Stanzi sacked hard.  He popped right back up though...
DAMMIT. Convert a fourth down.  Oh well, that should just about do it for the half.


EIU ball to start the half.  This should be interesting.
Jimmy Potempa sucks.
HOLY SHIT! Back to back wide receiver sweeps?  That makes so little sense it mind boggling.  I wonder if they're just putting it on film for the next opponent. God I hate Iowa State. I hate them so much.  I hate....
FUCK! Fumbled snap on the frickin' 3 yard line?  Come on.....
Let's go 'D', get a saf.....FUMBLE!!! OUT OF BOUNDS!! SAAAAFETYYYY!!! 
I wonder why they call it a 'safety'? Nobody ever seems 'safe' when they are the one being saftied.....
For Christ's sake, another fumble?? We are getting sloppy.  Better the first string out of there if their heads aren't in it.
Christ these guys are pathetic.  Or maybe we are just that good.  Time will tell.
Jesus H. Christ Clayborn has been killing their punt protector today.
Oh sweet, Fiedorowicz on the catch.  No, wait, Zach Derby.  Remember when he got drunk and destroyed a parking garage ticket booth arm thingy??? That's awesome.
O.k. 4th quarter.  I am so glad we don't do that stupid-ass 'hold four fingers up in the air to signify that we are, in fact, ready to play the fourth quarter'. I hate that so much.
You know, what, Jimmy Potempa? At least you're playing hard for your team and your coach.
LOL.  Bob Spoo.
Speaking of Bob Spoo, the Big Ten Network needs to stop showing him on the sidelines all the time.  I get it, he's old.  He's been at Eastern since I was, like, 9.  Good, great, grand.  You still suck. You aren't even wearing a headset.  How can you possibly know what is going on??
LOL.  Spoo is all over my TV today.
Alright, Kirk, I get it.  A-Rob and Stanzi can dominate this team.  Please take them out.
Hey...Brett Morse. TOUCHDOWN, IOWA!!! 
Now can we sit the starters, please?
Good, JVB back in...Stanzi looks fine.
Don Nordmann.  He sounds like he should be a plumber.
Heeeeyyyy...the Paki-Bomb is back in.  Nifty little run.
Jason White from Davenport North??? Marques Simmons was from Davenport North.  So was Ricky Davis. Sticky Icky Ricky....eeeewwweee.
OOOOH COME ON, PAKI!! Dammit. Another TD would have looked good.  Oh well, easy win. 
1 down, 12 to go.